Fingers Curled, Eyes Closed, Heart Shattered
by Ravensbleeding
Summary: He hates himself for ever falling in love with a man who already has a girlfriend, but when their hands meet under the desk Deidara likes to think that he can forget all of the pain.


I'm a terrible person, I know. I haven't updated in forever. (Don't tell me how long it's been. I don't wanna know.) So consider this my first story of the new year! (Even though we're a month in...)

We all know I don't own Naruto. Or anybody, except maybe a few of my friends. I may own them...But that's not the point.

Anywhoo, this hasn't been beta'd. I've looked it over a few times, made a few changes here and there, but, that's it. Um, this story isn't really about plot. To me, it's more about the emotion behind the story. So, I suppose what I was trying to achieve is to make the reader _feel _something, so let me know if it worked, 'kay? Kay.

Also, the characters are OOC. I'm pretty sure. Yeah.

* * *

As Sasori's hand curls around his, Deidara thinks that it's better than any drug he's ever tried. Sasori's touch is like ecstasy; it shuts down all logical reasoning in his head and makes his heart go wild. He knows that Sasori can't hear it but the smirk on that normally stoic face makes him think slightly otherwise.

When Sasori's around he overruns all of Deidara's thoughts and the blonde can't focus on anything else. He wants Sasori's attention, needs it, craves it. He yearns for the feel of Sasori's skin on his, longs for Sasori's words to be directed only at him, wishes for those brown eyes on him and him only.

Sure he plays hard to get, but who is he really fooling?

It's when he sees Sasori's arm around Sakura that his heart plummets and his stomach knots and reality smacks him in the face. It's when Sasori sits next to her on the bus, arms around her, and pretends that he doesn't exist that Deidara hates himself for what he's doing to their relationship. It's when Sakura passes him in the halls with a cheery hello and he can't even look at her that he's never felt so disgusting.

But in that classroom, that one place, when Sasori pays attention to him and only him, he can forget the pain. It's when Sasori taps his pencil on the desk not because he's thinking but because he wants Deidara's attention that the blonde has never been so happy. It's when he's taking notes and Sasori reaches under his desk and gives his thigh a squeeze that he want to stay there forever. It's when the redhead says something to him in that smooth, deep, sultry voice of his and his heart skips a beat that he realizes he's fucked.

_~Why~_

_"What if she finds out?"_

_Brown eyes meet his. "Who cares? She won't do anything." _

_"Sasori…"_

_Deidara doesn't tell him how much it hurts to look at her._

_~does~_

It's when Deidara sits next to Sakura in English that he contemplates whether it's all worth it. It's when Sakura meets his eye and smiles that he thinks about how much she would be hurt if she ever found out. It's when he looks away and notices Itachi staring at him that he wishes he and Sasori had never met.

_~it~_

_The ponytail in his hair is pulled out and when Deidara turns around to glare the red-head behind him smirks. "You look better with it down._

_He gets used to the feel of Sasori's fingers in his hair._

_~hurt?~_

It's when Naruto brings up love that Deidara feels sick. It's when the blonde mentions his newest crush that Deidara just nods and tries not to feel like he's drowning in guilt. It's when Naruto asks him for advice that Deidara screams inside because he doesn't deserve to be asked about love.

It's when his mother asks him how Sasori's doing when he hangs up the phone at 10:30 at night that his cheeks flush red and he wants to crawl in a hole and never come out. It's when he explains to his cousin Ino that he and Sasori are just really good friends and she clucks her tongue at him that he feels ashamed. It's when Hidan mentions that Sasori might like him that the blonde's heart cracks.

_~Don't~_

"_Is this all we're meant to be?"_

"_And if it is?"_

"_Why are we fooling ourselves then?"_

"_You're happy, aren't you?"_

"_I…I, yeah."_

"_Then it doesn't matter."_

_Sasori's hand curls over his._

_~you~_

It's when Sasori whispers that he loves him that tears fill Deidara's eyes. It's when he refuses to call Sasori that night because he can't take it anymore that the tears fall. It's when, in the silence of his bedroom, his mind races and his heart pounds that he prays to whoever there is up there to help him make sense of it all.

It's when he comes to school with puffy eyes and an aching heart that he thinks that he may not be strong enough to do this anymore.

_~love~_

_"You love her."_

_"I love you too."_

"_But you're still with her."_

"_That doesn't mean I don't love you."_

"_You love her more."_

_An eyebrow is raised. "Why do you say that?"_

"_Because you're still with her."_

"_I was with her before I was with you."_

"_You'd pick her if you had to choose."_

_A smirk dances across Sasori's face. "You could argue that I already have."_

_~me?~_

It's when he calls Itachi at midnight sobbing that he's finally broken. It's when Itachi sits there and listens and doesn't comment on his own broken heart that Deidara thinks he's ruined everything. It's when Itachi murmurs softly, "I still love you," that Deidara lets a soul-wrenching cry.

~ _I love you, danna_ ~

It's when Sasori smiles and intertwines their fingers underneath the desk that Deidara's heart shatters completely.

* * *

And, uh, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Well, let me know what you think! Good, bad, okay, tell me! And, uh, yeah. That's it.

Have a good day and whatnot. You know what I usually say. Or do you? (O.o)


End file.
